She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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