i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist