my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
