Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
