We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
