Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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