Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
