I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
