shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
