Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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