i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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