I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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