Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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