his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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