there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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