my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
