Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
