I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just want nice things and good sex
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
