All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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