we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
