this beer tastes like vomit already
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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