I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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