I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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