Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
