first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need to calm my uterus...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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