I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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