I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
