i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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