I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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