I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
3 2 1 whiskey
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
