so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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