Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
