I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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