We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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