Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
