Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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