TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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