i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
