And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
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i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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