respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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