2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
