i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
