If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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