is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my phone needs a breathalizer
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
