just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
