My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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