dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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