I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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