What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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