I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
