my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?