a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
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i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate