can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way