it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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