is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
