How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
