I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
