He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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