I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
