Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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